Hello! Welcome to Screaming Into The Void, brought to you by yet another mentally-ill loner in a society that abandons him and treats him like trash, posting pathetic strings of words on the world wide web.

I'll start by saying something just for the record: I have no fucking clue what I'm doing here. I've looked at a few (dozen) other Neocities-hosted sites, and I've gotten kind of an idea for what's expected out of these and some nice HTML+CSS tricks, but as for how to actually build a website "the right way," if there is such a thing? Yeah, no clue. Despite how it may seem to all of you technothals out there,–

–I am not a computer wizard; I don't have the necessary credentials (i.e. being a fag). Frankly, it's a miracle I could even be assed to learn the modicum of HTML and CSS knowledge necessary to get this website to you. I suppose my desire to have a personal yet public space to write (that I have complete creative control over) overcame my demotivation, so now this website exists. Actually, the full reasons for wanting to start this blog are more personal than that, but excessive honesty and venting are part of the reason SITV™ even exists, so here goes:

I am miserable. And that makes me more miserable. I've been missing in a maze of monochrome, writhing and wallowing like the wretch I am for so long now that it has almost become normal. And honestly, maybe it is, given the many different flavors of mental illness prevelant everywhere I look. But when 2025 began, I made my first New Years resolution ever: I decided "I want it to change." I'm tired of empty days bleeding into the next, I'm sick of the incessant flashbacks fueling self-hatred for me and everything I ever made; I just want to be able to earnestly say "I'm happy" for once. And I'm trying my best to trudge through the thoughts and take a few steps in that direction. I'm trying to spend more time outside, trying to talk to people more, and actually listen to what they have to say. Truth be told: I am slightly different from who I was a few months ago, but none of what I just listed has been particularly effective so far.

So what has worked for me? Therapy? Pills? "Just getting over it"? HA – no. I'd say what has actually helped me most so far is doing things I enjoy explicitly for me. Creating for my sake, and not for the expectation of eventual recognition or respect, which admittedly was my motivation for years up to this point. That's already one tangible change in who I am. I'm still not happy, but at least there's change. But recently, while watching a specific video from a series called The Depression Chamber (that you should absolutely watch if you end up enjoying this blog), the main host gave the most practical advice for depression I have ever heard:

This quote really resonates with me personally, to the point where its actually become my unofficial motto since I heard it only days ago because ultimately it's the only thing that works for me. And ultimately, that's why this blog exists – it's a distraction, and it's for me. It's a place for me to write out whatever my thoughts are, regardless of how bleak or disorganized they may be, in a format where I can just enjoy the process of writing them out, and put them out there into the void for others to make of it what they will. And although these posts are mostly for me, and I try my best to temper any expectations for them, I myself also enjoy hearing and reading other people's benign rants and stories, so maybe these posts will find someone else who feels the same, and maybe it'll even help them become distracted themselves. That's what Screaming Into The Void is really about, I guess.

If you somehow liked what you've read here, stick around because I have a lot of other topics I plan to rant about here soon. Thank you for finding a morbid fascination in my words. — Crigence